Just waiting

I am currently 6 days after my iui. 3 days ago I started my progesterone suppositories twice a day. Last cycle I had all kinds of symptoms that at the time convinced me I was pregnant – night sweats, extreme hunger, lightheadedness, vivid dreams, lower back pain, stuffy nose – so many symptoms! But it turned out to be nothing, most likely just lovely side effects from progesterone.

So this cycle I decided not to read into any symptoms I may have because googling whether a symptom is a sign of pregnancy is not only time consuming but sort of opens up a black vortex of Internet message boards that mess with my head. Interestingly enough, though, this cycle I don’t have any symptoms. I mean nothing. Not even night sweats… What the heck does that mean?? Does it mean that the progesterone is not working? My body is not responding to it? That I am not pregnant? That the whole process stopped way too early? Or does this mean I could be pregnant? I mean if you google 6dpo no symptoms, you will see that some people commented having had no symptoms at that point and still ended up pregnant. So I guess the point is, it is hard not to read into symptoms and it is also hard to not read into no symptoms.

The 2ww sucks. It is something that is always in the back of my mind. I try my best to distract myself from agonizing over it and I meditate/do visualizations daily to help my mind find some form of peace and balance. Yet I can’t help but come back to the same questions over and over again. Maybe I have 2ww OCD?

8! more days to go. Ugh. In the meantime I will entertain myself with this:

so-doge-very-anticipation-much-waiting

meme waiting

meme waiting 3

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My first post

I never thought that I would start an infertility blog one day. I never thought that I would have to face the struggles of infertility at all. In fact, I was way too worried about preventing pregnancy in my 20’s. The thought that I will not get pregnant once I was ready just did not cross my mind. But here I am in my mid-30’s, happily married, in a job I enjoy very much, financially stable with two furbabies and still not pregnant.

Hubby and I started officially trying in the summer of 2015, which means we have been on this journey for close to 2 full years. That feels like a really long time when month after month you are faced with disappointment. After about 8 months of trying to get pregnant on our own, I went to see my OBGYN and after two failed cycles on Clomid and another 6 months on our own, I finally made an appointment with a fertility specialist this past January. My doctor diagnosed me with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve, undetectable AMH) and I have been cycling with the fertility clinic since. I did a cycle with Clomid, HCG trigger and progesterone which resulted in BFN. I am currently on my second cycle following the same protocol.

I started this blog because I felt devastated after our last cycle. I was so optimistic and hopeful during the 2 week wait and when I got the news that I wasn’t pregnant, I felt like I couldn’t possibly keep moving forward on this infertility journey. I felt so lonely and hopeless in a process that should be so simple and natural. As time goes on, I find that I often feel fear, anxiety, sadness, hurt and a whole range of other negative feelings. I guess it is part of the process but finding an outlet is important to me so I can feel my feelings and not let myself disappear into the infertility diagnosis. So in this blog I am hoping to share and document my experiences with fertility treatments, vent and find a way to channel my feelings and maybe provide a source of support to others who are going through the same struggles.