Still in the waiting game. This weekend seemed to drag big time. Hubby and I didn’t have many plans just some errands and hiking. I find that the less busy I am the more I think about infertility, whether or not this month is a bust and check symptoms. Googling what symptoms other people have on the particular day I am in my cycle is the most confusing, frustrating and meaningless experience at the same time. Some people have tons of symptoms, some have none. Some say it is better to not have any symptoms (since symptoms would indicate AF’s arrival), others swear that they just know they are pregnant because of their symptoms.
I feel like I am willing some symptoms to appear if I just focus on them enough. So if I read about someone who had lower back pain as their first symptom, I may think “wait, I had that two nights ago as well!!!” In reality, I sat in my office chair for several hours and I probably need more yoga in my life because my back acts us when I don’t stretch enough. Another example – Saturday morning I woke up sneezing and with a scratch in my throat. When I googled it, I found several threads with those exact symptoms claiming it was their first sign of pregnancy 9dpo. This made me feel excited for a second, but then I realized more likely than not, it is only my allergies acting up now that we are having 90-degree days over here.
So why do I keep symptom checking and googling? It doesn’t do anything for me. In fact, I am noticing that I am psyching myself out this month and I am pretty convinced that I cannot be pregnant. So this makes me sad and depressed and also made me decide not to test before my beta on Thursday. Last month I was so disappointed (and cried a lot) after my BFN that now I am trying to schedule time for those feelings. I know that I can’t possibly avoid those feelings but at least I am trying to not have to feel them in the beginning of my work week as I fear that it will be too overwhelming. Instead I will wait until Thursday afternoon/evening (beta is in the morning but last month the clinic only called me around 4pm in the afternoon) and then I can allow myself to get overwhelmed and curl up on the couch from Friday (I have Fridays off from work).
Does anyone else do this? Try to set themselves up for the pain ahead of time, believing that things won’t work out in the hopes that that will soften the blow? I know what I am doing is irrational and yet I can’t allow myself to hope too much because falling down from that high is dangerous. It is overwhelming and all-consuming. Can’t do it right now.
The plan for right now is to just get through the next four days and try to stay in the moment as much as possible. Thursday will bring what it will bring and ultimately I will be able to deal with it.
Have a great Monday!