BFN

Yesterday was a hard day.

I had my beta scheduled in the morning and I had a hard time holding back tears while driving to the clinic. I was in and out in a few minutes but on my way out I asked the nurse what the protocol was in terms of coming in for day 3 tests if I got my period on Friday. At that point there was no doubt in my mind that my test was going to be negative. I didn’t have any symptoms, I felt very normal. In my heart I just knew that it wasn’t our month.

On my drive back I was listening to a song about inner demons and angels helping to fight them (I can’t remember the singer or the title of the song). My tears just starting flowing and soon I was sobbing. It got so bad that I had to take my sunglasses off as I couldn’t see (not generally a good idea when you are driving 70mph on the highway). I just could not stop crying. It continued even after I got home and I just leaned into it and gave myself permission to be deeply sad and disappointed.

Thankfully I had to go to work an hour later. I welcomed the distraction of having to get ready and driving over. I had decided not to check my voicemail until after I was done that night thinking that it would be difficult to get through the day after bad news. However, just before my first client I noticed a voicemail from the clinic. This was way earlier than last time. My mind immediately went to “maybe it is good news this time, that’s why they called so early. Maybe there will be instructions on continuing the progesterone and having to pick it up in the pharmacy today”. My heart was beating faster and without pause I pressed play.

The nurse’s voice said, ” I am sorry honey but your test came back negative”.

I remember the moment in a kind of slow motion. My brain got the message first, before my heart did. And I thought about how I had known the test would be negative. Expectation=Result. A second later I felt my heart sink and my stomach twinge. I felt the wave of emotion – hurt, sadness, anger, hopelessness. I felt defeated. My next thought was, “How on Earth am I going to get through today? How will I be able to talk to my clients about their lives and problems and offer empathy, support and insight? That’s impossible.” I decided not to allow myself to dwell on it then and there and walked out to greet my first client.

My day went well. I actually welcomed the distraction and was forced to put myself into others’ shoes. Yes, infertility sucks and it takes a huge toll emotionally but you know what? Other people struggle too, sometimes way worse than I am. Being able to find a purpose outside of myself made me feel good. I even laughed, and it made life seem lighter and more manageable. I had a long day and at the end of it I noticed that I didn’t feel sad anymore. I felt nothing. I was okay.

The urge to cry hasn’t come back today either. Maybe I am over it or maybe it will surprise me when I don’t expect it. But my focus today is on the road ahead. I am scheduling an appointment with my doctor to talk next steps, most likely IVF.

For now, I am just going to enjoy the weekend and remember all the people and things in my life that I am grateful for.

grateful quote.jpg

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