The week from hell

This has been the week from hell. Just the perfect storm of crap. All these things I could handle well if they happened separately but together they have gotten to me. I am struggling big time.

Monday morning I went to the clinic for my day 10 scan and blood work. My doctor told me I had a follicle at 20mm ready to go. I freaked out. My husband had just left for a 4-day trip to San Francisco. I asked my doctor how this could have happened. Never in my life (since I have been tracking ovulation anyway) have I ovulated before day 14. Ever. And now on day 10 I am ready to go??? WTF??? She said based on my bloodwork there was a small chance that I could get triggered on Wednesday and do the IUI Friday morning when hubby is back. But as soon as she left the room I started crying. I just knew there was no way for me to last 4 more days with a 20mm follicle. I just couldn’t believe that we have to miss a month. I was so angry and so upset. Clearly nobody is to blame here but I was just angry at the situation and the fact that my luck never seems to swing in a positive direction lately.

Wednesday I went back for bloodwork and was informed that I just barely started surging so they weren’t sure if I would ovulate that day or the following day. So once again I had to go there this morning and am now waiting for the results. If I am still surging and my progesterone is very low, we go ahead with the IUI. Otherwise it is game over for this month. I don’t even know. I am just numb.

This week has been chaotic and terrifying at work as well. I work with high-risk adolescents in the mental health field. This week two of them attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. It is always overwhelming and chaotic to coordinate care in these cases but it is incredibly difficult emotionally as well. So I have been going through the motions but I feel depleted and down.

To make everything worse, I have been having a terrible toothache as well. It is a weird thing because it is a bit different than a toothache from a cavity or one that needs a root canal but it is extremely painful and Tylenol doesn’t always help. I have seen my dentist twice but there is nothing obviously wrong. Still it could be a tooth or it could be sinuses or God knows what. But it hurts. It hurts so much. I barely slept last night even though I was on painkillers and antihistamines.

And lastly we have had these terrible hot and humid days since Monday. Today’s temperature is going up to the mid-90’s and could break the record. I absolutely despise this weather – the humidity actually. I feel like I can’t breathe, get sweaty, and just overall feel blah.

So there it is. My week from hell. And it’s only Thursday!!Ahhhh.

Advertisements

BFN

Yesterday was a hard day.

I had my beta scheduled in the morning and I had a hard time holding back tears while driving to the clinic. I was in and out in a few minutes but on my way out I asked the nurse what the protocol was in terms of coming in for day 3 tests if I got my period on Friday. At that point there was no doubt in my mind that my test was going to be negative. I didn’t have any symptoms, I felt very normal. In my heart I just knew that it wasn’t our month.

On my drive back I was listening to a song about inner demons and angels helping to fight them (I can’t remember the singer or the title of the song). My tears just starting flowing and soon I was sobbing. It got so bad that I had to take my sunglasses off as I couldn’t see (not generally a good idea when you are driving 70mph on the highway). I just could not stop crying. It continued even after I got home and I just leaned into it and gave myself permission to be deeply sad and disappointed.

Thankfully I had to go to work an hour later. I welcomed the distraction of having to get ready and driving over. I had decided not to check my voicemail until after I was done that night thinking that it would be difficult to get through the day after bad news. However, just before my first client I noticed a voicemail from the clinic. This was way earlier than last time. My mind immediately went to “maybe it is good news this time, that’s why they called so early. Maybe there will be instructions on continuing the progesterone and having to pick it up in the pharmacy today”. My heart was beating faster and without pause I pressed play.

The nurse’s voice said, ” I am sorry honey but your test came back negative”.

I remember the moment in a kind of slow motion. My brain got the message first, before my heart did. And I thought about how I had known the test would be negative. Expectation=Result. A second later I felt my heart sink and my stomach twinge. I felt the wave of emotion – hurt, sadness, anger, hopelessness. I felt defeated. My next thought was, “How on Earth am I going to get through today? How will I be able to talk to my clients about their lives and problems and offer empathy, support and insight? That’s impossible.” I decided not to allow myself to dwell on it then and there and walked out to greet my first client.

My day went well. I actually welcomed the distraction and was forced to put myself into others’ shoes. Yes, infertility sucks and it takes a huge toll emotionally but you know what? Other people struggle too, sometimes way worse than I am. Being able to find a purpose outside of myself made me feel good. I even laughed, and it made life seem lighter and more manageable. I had a long day and at the end of it I noticed that I didn’t feel sad anymore. I felt nothing. I was okay.

The urge to cry hasn’t come back today either. Maybe I am over it or maybe it will surprise me when I don’t expect it. But my focus today is on the road ahead. I am scheduling an appointment with my doctor to talk next steps, most likely IVF.

For now, I am just going to enjoy the weekend and remember all the people and things in my life that I am grateful for.

grateful quote.jpg

11 DPO

Still in the waiting game. This weekend seemed to drag big time. Hubby and I didn’t have many plans just some errands and hiking. I find that the less busy I am the more I think about infertility, whether or not this month is a bust and check symptoms. Googling what symptoms other people have on the particular day I am in my cycle is the most confusing, frustrating and meaningless experience at the same time. Some people have tons of symptoms, some have none. Some say it is better to not have any symptoms (since symptoms would indicate AF’s arrival), others swear that they just know they are pregnant because of their symptoms.

I feel like I am willing some symptoms to appear if I just focus on them enough. So if I read about someone who had lower back pain as their first symptom, I may think “wait, I had that two nights ago as well!!!” In reality, I sat in my office chair for several hours and I probably need more yoga in my life because my back acts us when I don’t stretch enough. Another example – Saturday morning I woke up sneezing and with a scratch in my throat. When I googled it, I found several threads with those exact symptoms claiming it was their first sign of pregnancy 9dpo. This made me feel excited for a second, but then I realized more likely than not, it is only my allergies acting up now that we are having 90-degree days over here.

So why do I keep symptom checking and googling? It doesn’t do anything for me. In fact, I am noticing that I am psyching myself out this month and I am pretty convinced that I cannot be pregnant. So this makes me sad and depressed and also made me decide not to test before my beta on Thursday. Last month I was so disappointed (and cried a lot) after my BFN that now I am trying to schedule time for those feelings. I know that I can’t possibly avoid those feelings but at least I am trying to not have to feel them in the beginning of my work week as I fear that it will be too overwhelming. Instead I will wait until Thursday afternoon/evening (beta is in the morning but last month the clinic only called me around 4pm in the afternoon) and then I can allow myself to get overwhelmed and curl up on the couch from Friday (I have Fridays off from work).

Does anyone else do this? Try to set themselves up for the pain ahead of time, believing that things won’t work out in the hopes that that will soften the blow? I know what I am doing is irrational and yet I can’t allow myself to hope too much because falling down from that high is dangerous. It is overwhelming and all-consuming. Can’t do it right now.

The plan for right now is to just get through the next four days and try to stay in the moment as much as possible. Thursday will bring what it will bring and ultimately I will be able to deal with it.

Have a great Monday!

P.

infertility quite

Just waiting

I am currently 6 days after my iui. 3 days ago I started my progesterone suppositories twice a day. Last cycle I had all kinds of symptoms that at the time convinced me I was pregnant – night sweats, extreme hunger, lightheadedness, vivid dreams, lower back pain, stuffy nose – so many symptoms! But it turned out to be nothing, most likely just lovely side effects from progesterone.

So this cycle I decided not to read into any symptoms I may have because googling whether a symptom is a sign of pregnancy is not only time consuming but sort of opens up a black vortex of Internet message boards that mess with my head. Interestingly enough, though, this cycle I don’t have any symptoms. I mean nothing. Not even night sweats… What the heck does that mean?? Does it mean that the progesterone is not working? My body is not responding to it? That I am not pregnant? That the whole process stopped way too early? Or does this mean I could be pregnant? I mean if you google 6dpo no symptoms, you will see that some people commented having had no symptoms at that point and still ended up pregnant. So I guess the point is, it is hard not to read into symptoms and it is also hard to not read into no symptoms.

The 2ww sucks. It is something that is always in the back of my mind. I try my best to distract myself from agonizing over it and I meditate/do visualizations daily to help my mind find some form of peace and balance. Yet I can’t help but come back to the same questions over and over again. Maybe I have 2ww OCD?

8! more days to go. Ugh. In the meantime I will entertain myself with this:

so-doge-very-anticipation-much-waiting

meme waiting

meme waiting 3

My first post

I never thought that I would start an infertility blog one day. I never thought that I would have to face the struggles of infertility at all. In fact, I was way too worried about preventing pregnancy in my 20’s. The thought that I will not get pregnant once I was ready just did not cross my mind. But here I am in my mid-30’s, happily married, in a job I enjoy very much, financially stable with two furbabies and still not pregnant.

Hubby and I started officially trying in the summer of 2015, which means we have been on this journey for close to 2 full years. That feels like a really long time when month after month you are faced with disappointment. After about 8 months of trying to get pregnant on our own, I went to see my OBGYN and after two failed cycles on Clomid and another 6 months on our own, I finally made an appointment with a fertility specialist this past January. My doctor diagnosed me with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve, undetectable AMH) and I have been cycling with the fertility clinic since. I did a cycle with Clomid, HCG trigger and progesterone which resulted in BFN. I am currently on my second cycle following the same protocol.

I started this blog because I felt devastated after our last cycle. I was so optimistic and hopeful during the 2 week wait and when I got the news that I wasn’t pregnant, I felt like I couldn’t possibly keep moving forward on this infertility journey. I felt so lonely and hopeless in a process that should be so simple and natural. As time goes on, I find that I often feel fear, anxiety, sadness, hurt and a whole range of other negative feelings. I guess it is part of the process but finding an outlet is important to me so I can feel my feelings and not let myself disappear into the infertility diagnosis. So in this blog I am hoping to share and document my experiences with fertility treatments, vent and find a way to channel my feelings and maybe provide a source of support to others who are going through the same struggles.